Stability

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We need stability in life, be it from family, friends or a loved one. Without it we a free falling into an abyss that has no way to protect your fall. Finding that stability is harder than one can imagine and takes a lot of energy and drains you emotionally. 

My family are not part of this in my equation as they are a toxic element that only makes my life harder. Friends have been nothing but a burden as they were only there when I had money to spend and keep them in their own little empires. So now I must locate a person who shares my ideals, who understands mental health and who wants someone who shows emotion and my own vulnerability. 

I fear this will never happen as now I want to share my time with one person, a person who actually cares and sees me for my personality, not my trainers, not my car, not my bank account and not my massive tool. I have none of these things, but I have honesty, a good heart and an ability to connect with as special person.

Walking along a sea front, watching the stars at night, listening to the birds twitter and enjoying a warm embrace. Not a lot to ask but alas it’s is hard to find. Maybe people cannot see through my obesity or my plain, ordinary looks. 

Life can be a shit and for some this loneliness is unbearable which can only be quenched by the arms of a like minded woman who wants only the warmth, the love and the respect of a good man.

Oh what it is to dream.

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This is the Life

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It floods my body, every organ, limb and cell

Making my life a living gut wrenching hell 

The defences I build are covered in scars

As I burn inside, slowly, like long Cuban cigars


Everyday I create a new me, face mask

To face the world, to face people, to face those who don’t want to ask

So my solitude continues to brew, like a fine malt whiskey

With depression, loneliness, sadness in a concoction of alchemy

I am no longer cut out for all of this

No aspirations and no dreams; only the residue of a toxic mist

The path ahead is mortally bleak and narrow

Which is why I can only travel as a broken down shadow

No street signs, no phrase book, no “read the instructions” and no helpline

 Just get on with it you fat, aged Frankenstein.

Zero times nothing amounts to all I am worth

I should know this as I was told from birth.

Romanticism is Dying

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As I wait at St. Pancras station for a train to Broadstairs, I ponder over things that don’t seem to matter anymore. The station is full of coffee shops, sweet shops and high end remedies, flowers, cakes and such products. The corporate, consumer world has filtered through to all parts of our daily lives taking away character, mystery and dare I say romanticism. 

The other day I was walking on Southend Pier and thought it would be nice to stroll down with a woman on my arm as we take in the sea air and talk books, music, nature, life and things that enrich our hearts. The people walking the pier were mainly on their mobile phones snapping selfies of themselves which will be lost in the cloud for ever and eternity.  The Simple things in life appear to be leaving our world and being replaced by things, by stuff and matterless rubbish that has no soul.

I think I would like to share my world and my life with someone who has a more nostalgic view of life’s simple pleasures. I just need the comfort and intellect of a good woman to walk along the pier with, to share a proper Italian meal with, not fucking Nandos or Burger Palace. These joints are made for those that want uniform food for their uniform clothes and their uniform lives. I don’t want this shit, carbon copy existence with lifeless people and souless living. 

As I get older I want to share my life with someone special who understands my limitations and my older view of life. I need to walk along a sea front taking in the air and sharing thoughts with my company. 

This type of romance is dying and being replaced with things rather than feelings. I hate it, I loathe it and don’t want to be part of this bullshit, fake existence.

So I am now on the train to Broadstairs and will hopefully walk along the seafront, walk the pier and take in some of the air. It would be good to have a special person to do that with but people don’t want personality, they want ripped, good looking, well off guys who can provide things, meaningless stuff and artificial bollox.

In the meantime I will walk the walk and stay true to the natural order of life rather than buy in to this cheap, instant gratification of things and nonsense.

Tides

Anxiety, depression, exercise, Health, Love, Nature, walking

As I stroll along the pier a boat sits motionlessness upon a receding tide. Once afloat with possibilities abound, now just waiting for a new ebb and flow. Just like tides our challenges come and go, some may be rough while others are like snow. So I carry on walking waiting for my own tide to turn. 

Turn to dust

depression, family, Food, Health, Nature, People, Veganism, Well-being

I was going to keep this post about friends and significant people in our lives, however I am going to extend it to all people I either are in contact with or may come into contact with.

When I was working and had my own place I amassed quite a number of ‘friends’, acquaintances, colleagues and other people who I would regularly mix and interact with. However the last few years, due to my on going illness has seen this network of people disappear, some just don’t want to know, others think my illness is fake, some I have opted to stay away from and some are just complete idiots. It has been said that a true measure of friendship can be measured when the excrement hits the air conditioning unit and you see who is there to support you.

 

An example of this was  a vegan group I was a member of that had a big core membership and people were all “yea, this is great”, “wow, support the animals man”, “so important to have ethics and morals”, “blah blah blah blah blah blah”, etc. etc. etc. All the cliched things that  non-vegans hate about us vegans and our alleged do goody ways.  This is so far from the truth, most vegans I have had the displeasure to come into contact with are just egotistical, judgemental, up their own backsides and in it for the kudos. I have been a vegan for over 25 years and there are only a handful of vegans I have known that are decent, true to their word and are worthy of being called a good person. The vegan group I belonged to would all go out for a drink with you after an event and I would often get the first round in and then abracadabra, they would all disappear into the wind. They would turn up at fundraisers for animals and get as much as they can for their buck by stuffing themselves stupid, drinking themselves to the point of obliterated and just want as much as they can.

 

The group above eventually fell apart as everyone did not get on, had different views of veganism, the organiser wanted it all their own way with no exceptions and people generally disliked each other.

 

I used to treat a lot of my friends and people around me to nights out, holidays, a day away and to generally be a nice person and to do what i thought was a good thing. I now find myself ill, with very little money and is disarray with my mood swinging like a pendulum as I try to get to grips with things and sort out my wretched life. Where are all these friends now? Where is their help now when I need some help and assistance? 

Well that I can tell you the answer to, they have disappeared as I am no longer useful to them, or they do not want to return the favour of listening to my problems like I used to make time for them, they see me as weak and vulnerable and therefore time for them to find some other sucker to befriend. In turn they have betrayed me and they were not really friends or good people, just parasitic barnacles hanging around for their own selfish reasons.  People that I used to get drinks for and socialise with now do not want to meet up as I have told them I am homeless and have no money. Their true colours have been revealed and to me I am probably best off without them 

I used to work for a large bank in the city and one of my projects was to spend a lot of time in Warsaw, Poland doing IT migration. Over the course of about 3 years I spent 12 months there and various members of my colleagues in London did short spells with me. In all it worked out to about 9 other staff, all were married and some had kids. All but one of these 9 people decided what happened in Poland stayed in Poland and off they went on a shagging frenzy with all the prostitutes they could in their spare time. Some of these people I used to call friends but now they are just douche bags. Once again I was betrayed as I was now expected to keep their dirty secrets from their partners if we ever met up. They have also betrayed their spouses and their children for the sake of a quick shag. 

A friend told me yesterday that she heard it said you would be hard pushed to count the number of real friends on one hand as you get older. This does not surprise me as when you get older you do realise people are full of shit, just out to get things and status point, out to rinse you dry of your good nature, out for themselves and fuck those that are struggling. People have bought into this designer, corporate, materialistic, stuff and meaningless existence, no longer do people look out for the person in need or to sit and talk with you as a human being. People want gratification of one form or another for everything they do, sexual gratification, financial gratification, materialistic gratification and taste gratification, that’s  all that matter in a world where people do not care and will betray anyone just to get the gratification they seek.

What’s in your Food? (a play in one act)

depression, Eating, family, Food, Health, Nutrition, Real Food, Well-being

Johnny has just come downstairs from playing his games computer console. He goes into the kitchen where his mother is doing some washing up.
Johnny: Hi, mum what’s for dinner?

Mum:You what?

Johnny: I am starving and want some dinner.

Mum: Only half an hour ago you had, sugar, rapeseed oil, palm oil, wheat flour, water, glucose syrup, vegetable glycerine, dextrose, dried egg white, whey powder, palm fat, maize starch, skimmed milk powder, disodium diphosphate, sodium bicarbonate, mono-and diglycerides of fatty acids, sorbitan monosterate, polyglycerol esters of fatty acids, soya lecithin, poly sorbate 60, tapioca starch, salt, xanthan gum, potassium Sorbate, milk proteins, flavourings, sodium alginate, titanium dioxide, cochineal, lutein and acid.

Also you had, water,apple and strawberry and plum and cherry and blackcurrant juices, malic acid, citric acid, antnocyanins, sodium citrate, aspartame, saccharin, potassium sorbate, sodium metabisulphate and natural flavouring.

Johnny:  But mum, I only had a slice of angle cake a a glass of sugar free squash, that’s not a lot.

The End

Invisible.

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I saw this blog by Katrina when I was looking at the daily prompt words and this said it all for me. The word was ‘invisible’.

TheGirlBeating MentalHealth

Invisible

That is mental health, invisible because it can be seen it is easy to ignore it and it hide it the cupboard. Mental health illness can not be diagnosed by blood tests or a x-ray so it remains invisible.

With mental health disorders being hidden from society someone suffering with let’s say, depression, are already going to feel isolated with society’s view of mental health and the stigma that is around it only can make a sufferer be alone, in silence. To nervous and anxious to speak about it.

We need to shout about mental health. Make the world aware it’s not going to go away, in fact there are more people today suffering with mental health disorders than ever. The man on the bus next to you could be on medication for bipolar disorder, the women queuing up in the bank could have an eating disorder. One in…

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My Favourite Place

Anxiety, depression, Health, Hugging, Love, Nature, Photography, Shinrin Yoku, Tree Hugging, Well-being

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In response to the weekly photograph challenge of ‘my favourite place’ I found it difficult to select a singular place. But what I do enjoy is being in nature, around trees, water, plants, animals, flowers, skies, beaches, grass and all things natural. So this picture represents why I like to be in @my favourite place’ which can be anywhere where there is peace, tranquillity and nature. When I was laying down and took this picture I was in awe of the beauty of the shades of green, the blue sky and the clouds as they came rolling along. I could hear birds chirping away in their trees, singing happy melodies, chatting away and soothing my inner demons. Nature has answers, it is the 999 response to a lot of my health issues, it is my shoulder to cry on. Nature will not judge me, it will not mock me and it will not tell me to pull my socks up.

A good dose of vitamin N is enough to curb my stresses from bubbling over into a volcanic eruption, it will allow me to appreciate that humans do not have all the answers and it will give me a sense of freedom in this ever encroaching world. Maybe I have run my course with human interaction with their opinions of my health, their don’t do this and don’t do that, their noise, their pollution, their demand for more. I just want a life where nature is my parents and all the trees, flowers, plants, birds, animals, waters and all things natural are my family.

 

So anywhere that meets this criteria is my favourite place.

 

 

The Bargain Walk

Bargains, Eating, Food, Health, Love, Nutrition, Real Food, Uncategorized, Veganism, walking, Well-being

Just a quick aside from my other posts. Always be on the alert for cheap food, especially half decent food like this wholemeal bread, 2 packets of wholemeal pittas, a bag of spinach and a bag of kale. Take an evening stroll road your local supermarket, express market, metro market and there will always be bargains to have. The best time is around 20:00 hours when they are putting out the stuff with sell by date of that day. So not only do you get a walk in, you get some choice bargains as well. This little lot cost me 84p, damn right bread for the week and two different types of greens for a couple of days. Now that is just fantastic, so get out there and have an evening stroll and grab a discount.

 

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Grab a discount and prosper.